PART 12: Break it down and Rebuild Something Better...the finale!

So it was Saturday, me and Collin made plans. A simple night at my place, a movie night. Which I love the simple things. I also lived really close to the science museum so I thought if we stayed at my place that night it would be easier.

Collin ended up calling me around 4pm. He said some friends where coming in to town and asked if I wanted to come out with them instead. That was fine with me, Collin was originally from a different state so I would never be mad about him wanting to hang with his friends and I was excited to meet them. He told me he would call me when he meet up with them and figured out what bar they would be at so I could meet up with him. 9:30 rolls around and still no call...I was getting a bit angry he always did this, said he would call and didn't. 9:45 he called and said where have you been I have  been waiting for you! WTF! I had to remind him he was the one who was supposed to call me with the plan!

So he told me where he was so I drove got there a bit after 10. I walk into the bar and he is sitting with some girl at the bar. I go say hi and he just hugs me quick. No kiss...he ALWAYS greeted me with a kiss. He said hi then turned back to the girl and ignored me! I should have just left...still wish I did. I ordered a drink and sat there fuming! He was being all flirty with her playing tic tac toe on her notepad. I thought maybe this is one of his hometown friends that he hasn't seen in a while so this is why, but nope. His friends where not even there. I actually don't even think they where ever coming. This girl was just someone he meet. I could not believe that after the Valentine's Day just the night before that he would do this! He got a phone call and left. .I scooted over to the girl to talk to her. She actually was a really cool person, we talked and talked and talked. I wasn't going to be rude to her, after all I can't imagine Collin would mention to her that he had a girlfriend. His greeting said that. She was innocent and very nice. Collin finally got back and me the the girl where having such a good conversation that we ignored him for like 10 minutes. That felt good.

When I finally started talking to Collin he had the strangest look on his face. He said Kristy just called and she thinks she might be pregnant. Great I thought just what our relationship needs. I don't think I could date him if he was having a baby with her. Just because I know how much he cared for her and if she was having his baby she would be in his life forever. I really didn't know what to say to him, and I didn't feel like talking about it, it felt weird so I just asked how he was feeling about it if he was okay. He just said he would be there for the kid, and try to be the best dad he could.

We went and played some pool to take his mind off things. All night I was texting a friend. Yes he was a guy but just a friend. We met in college and are in the same field that is just about it, but I knew Collin wouldn't believe that and overtime I caught him with a girl he would accuse me of doing something with Bret. But Collin saw me texting and tried to grad me phone I saw his was in his hand so I let him take me phone but I snatched his in the process. I walked away from him, I knew this would freak him out...I know I would find stuff on his phone. As I walked to the women's bathroom I stopped. I refuse to be the sneaky girl looking through her boyfriend's stuff I despise it! I grew up with parents that where always doing that. I grew up with cheaters! I caught both my mother and my father with someone else at a very young age. I carried their secrets with me for years. They never asked me to, they have never talked to me about it. I figure they think I just don't remember. Well let me tell you never underestimate a child. They are smart, they understand more than you think and yes they remember! I do like it was yesterday, and it still hurts. So I refused to have any part in something like that.

As I walked back to return his phone he received a text. It popped up. It was from one of his friends Andrea. It said I love you Collin but I just can't handle seeing you with another girl. Then she started calling, I handed the phone to him and said here is Andrea I think she really needs to talk to you. They message could have been taken many ways. It could have meant we are friends but I am in love with you and I can't be your friend anymore because I can't handle seeing you with your girlfriend. Or it could mean I am f***ing you but can't handle seeing you with another girl, chose me, or lose me.

I am going for option #2. It just seems like more of a Collin thing. I told the really nice girl we had met that me and Collin had to get going. She gave me her number before I left...but not to Collin..haha and she still didn't know he was my boyfriend.

When we got back to Collin's I freaked...I yelled. For the first time in my life, I yelled out everything I was feeling all my hurt feelings all my anger. He thought I had no reason to be mad, and I told him if he couldn't ever see the wrong he did then it just wouldn't work. He was also VERY intoxicated, so I said why don't you call me tomorrow and we will talk about this when you are sober. He said "Lauren, you know I'm not going to call you tomorrow." I said why? He replied well you have made it clear you don't want to be with me, so I said fine if you aren't even going to try then fine it's over I grabbed my shoes and left. As I was leaving bret texed me asked me if I was up for some Chai, I said heck yes I warned him that I needed to vent!

I met bret at the late night coffee house. As I was telling him everything I saw Collin was calling I didn't answer. I felt anxiety for the next hour. Leaving Collin in that state intoxicated and with our fight I worried about him. After I left the coffee shop I called him back. He answered with a snide voice. I said hi, you called. Then his voice changed all lovey dovey. "well" he said "tomorrow is our valentine's day, are we still going to the science museum?" I asked him if he even knew what had just happened and hour ago?  "We broke up! We are over, you have too much drama, and it doesn't leave any room for me. You can never see it when you are being an ass so you will never change!"  Then he freaked at me, then it got quiet and awkward. I asked him if he had anything else to say, he said know I said me either so have a good night, he laughed and hung up on me.

I felt good about my choice to leave him that night but I knew in about 2 days I would be missing him! I know everyone is thinking how could you miss him, he was a jerk yada yada. I don't know if you know how to control your emotions and feeling please I am dying to know. I love him I have feeling for him, and I can't control them, I can't just make them go away. Love is like fat...it takes time to get rid of. And I have about 60 more lbs. of it to get rid of.

Any hoo just like I knew it I missed him...SO BAD! We did our usual 3 month then one of us cracks and messages the other. He messaged me this time, said he knows he has been an ass...let's make this right. So yes I went back to him. I just had a feeling inside, I knew that even though it probably won't work again...and probably never would my intuition told me to do it. It may sound strange but it makes more sense later.

We had been dating for a couple weeks and we where out to eat at apple-bee's when I noticed it. His eyes looked different. He didn't look at me the same with them. I could tell his feelings for me where fading, I felt it. There was no more passion left in those big gorgeous blue eyes. We where finally dying. He wasn't talking much, he never really did talk to me much, I always did most of the talking and I tried to ask him a bunch of questions to get him talking. But he would always give me short answers. Ever since the beginning he was never much of a talker, but this was the first time it really bugged me. Why wouldn't he let me in? I just asked him right then and there. Why don't you talk to me, why do I always have to do the talking. I know you but I feel like I don't really know you. He smirked then took the receipt off the table wrote on it and slid it to me. I opened it and it said I think your smile silences me.  Umm waitress can I get some more napkins to wipe my heart off the table? Geez...he got me, I cared for him so much even though we where together but broken.

He started talking about how once his lease was up he wanted to move back to the part of the city he lived the summer before. He said he would need a roommate, I said it better be a boy roommate, then he replied "it could be you." GULP...I just said I just told you you had to have a boy roommate. I knew we could never live together we had a hard enough time staying together for more than a month at a time. I told him we needed to have our relationship stronger before we could do that. He didn't say much.

Later when the night ended he asked if I wanted to come over the next day and he would cook for me, of-course I said. Well I never made it there because my radiator almost blew so I had to get to my brothers and figure my car out. I couldn't call Collin because his phone got shut off. I got home and he left me a myspace message saying oh I am so sorry I forgot to pay my bill! My phone will be working tomorrow I'll call you. That was fine with me, with my car breaking down it was perfect. I woke up the next day to a message.

Lauren,

I feel horrible and so I will make this short and sweet...we can't do this anymore. I am so sorry. I am not trying to break your heart, I just think I jumped in too quick. I am quite sure you will never speak to me again. Just know it has nothing to do with you, whatsoever. It's not a cliche' line, please believe that much to be true. I don't want to continue to do something that just isn't right. I am so sorry...there's no need to respond. Please forgive me...I tried...


NO NEED TO RESPOND? I think those 4 words will haunt me forever. What a hurtful thing to say. You are not only breaking up with me over myspace but you are not even giving me the chance to say goodbye or ask why? You wanted to move in with me the other day and now you don't want me at all? Just because I said no to his offer didn't mean I didn't love him, I didn't think he would break up with me over it, and heck I don't know that might not even be the reason but I will never know. I sat at my computer stunned for a bit. You would think I would be used to this by now, but nope it hurts just as bad everytime. One tear feel down my cheek and something snapped in my brain.

No more I said. I put myself through this two year long mess because I didn't respect and love myself. I hated my body image, I am overweight and I hold my self back from life because of it. I am done! That day was March 14th 2008. Since then I have lost 20 LBS! I have never been able to lose even a pound, I have never been able to stay with a weight loss plan. I made a life change that day, and it was the best thing for me.

You see I needed to go back out with Collin one more time, get my heart broken so I could rebuild myself to be someone I LOVE. You can't love anyone else unless you love yourself. I really believe that! And please don't think I chose to lose weight for Collin, believe me he loves a big woman, skinny girls turn him off. So this was and always will be for me.

It's so strange but I think everything I went through with Collin was supposed to happen, everything happens for a reason. I learned a lot from that relationship. I still miss him, I will always love him, he was my first, he has a chunk of my heart, but I know that a 6th time will not be a charm and there is no going back. I have no regrets. I don't even regret him being the guy I gave my virginity to. I know he cared for me at one point, I know for sure when I made love with him the first time he cared, and he made my first time amazing. I could not have asked for more. Live love and learn. As for me and Collin It's not in the cards. Plus I KNOW! With certainty I will reach my goal weight of 135. And Collin wouldn't even recognize me and he would not be attracted to me which is good, because  I have no will power. It's great too because everytime I feel that my motivation to keep losing weight goes down something happens to raise it back up. Like for example I was feeling blah and not wanting to exercise when my friend asked me if I wanted DDR for free! So I play that now & love it! And then time went by got less motivated. I go to work on Monday and get an email about how a couple people in the office are going to do their own version of biggest loser. Everyone that wants to join pays $5 and the winner gets all the money. There is $200 on the line. I am looking for a new place to live, me and my roomie just found a place we love today...and it is biking distance from my work. So there are signs everywhere I know the road I am on now in life is the right one. It feels so good!

So believe me this is my happy ending to this crazy story.


But the story isn't over yet...I have more stories from my single girl in the city life that will be coming, and Collin is no longer a character in it all. :)