Part 8: He Brought me to Heaven and Left Me There. (this is a long one!)

So after seeing Collin and hanging out with him for the first time in a year I realized I really shouldn't start anything up with him again. I had come so far, a year! Did I still think about him almost everyday for an entire year…YES. It sucked! So this is even more of a reason why I should stay away. But he had a way with me, and I couldn't let him go. I know there is a lot of bad, I am writing about my past with him for therapeutic reasons and if I wrote about all the great stuff...well that really wouldn't help me move on. And there where great times that still make me weak in the knees when I think about it. But that isn’t enough when you are dating a bipolar liar. At the time I guess I just didn’t want to give up on him. People kept telling me it would never work I wanted to prove it could. If I put 110% into the relationship it would work. But if he’s only putting in 20% where does that leave us?

So I continue to see him. At this point I know a happy relationship with him is never going to work. But I wanted to be with him so bad that I force something to work, even if it means I need to compromise. So I decide to do the whole open relationship thing. I figured that way I wouldn't have to worry about trust issues with him. If I just accepted that he would be seeing other people I thought it wouldn't hurt so bad. I also knew that he was always more interested in the chase. I thought heck open relationship that means I can see other guys. Give Collin a run for his money. Deep down I knew I couldn’t. My love was his. I could not imagine having those kinds of feelings for two people at once.

This time around was probably my favorite time spent with Collin. I know people don't change 100% but I think they can grow and improve, and I really felt he did. He had a nice steady job, which before when we dated he didn't, he had no money. I was paying for everything, and that really strained the relationship. This time around he paid for everything, brought me out for fancy dinners. Bought me gifts. I finally had to tell him to take it down a notch. It felt really good though, normal. Nice. We talked more...fooled around less. Which was awesome for us! He had a laid back job that I could hang out with him at. I loved that the most, hanging out with him at work was the best memories I think I will ever have. We would doodle on paper plates, laugh, talk, listen to music.

I finally felt jealousy kicking in, on my end. Things were going so great. I didn’t want to share anymore. We never talked about the other girl he was seeing but I knew too well that there was one and I even knew who. Kristy the girl I could never live up to, the girl Collin's heart really belonged to (Belongs to). They dated before but she didn't want a relationship...but he could never let her go. That killed me. She used him whenever she needed a guy. Treat them like dirt and they will stick to you like mud right. I know... Collin treated me like dirt sometimes and Kristy treated Collin like dirt sometimes...interesting cycle. Well these jealous feelings made me feel that if I didn't bring things to the next level I could lose Collin to Kristy. So I asked Collin if he would want to be exclusive...he paused my heart sank. I thought this is what he wanted from me. Just the other night he told me he really wanted to ask me to be exclusive but he was too scared to rush me ( I always acted more hesitant to get back into a relationship with Collin than I actually was)...so I thought he would be overjoyed. The pause made me rethink everything just as I went to take it back and tell him that we should just wait he said yes. I asked him why he paused...I asked if it was because of Kristy. He said yes but the heck with her he wasted a year on her and wanted to move on with me. Just knowing that he paused and had to think really hard if he wanted to give up his dead end fling with Kristy for me made me feel really weary and worried about wear I stood with him.

Things where great for about two weeks. It was a Thursday, I get out of class look at my phone expecting there to be a missed call or text from Collin there always was everyday. Not today. So I called him. I talk to him and he sounds all funny. I asked him if anything was wrong. His answer was all wishy-washy. I was at School and had a class in 5 minutes so he said he would call me later.

I never received a phone call, just a myspace message. Telling me how he was confused and needed time to think about us. Giving me no explanation why he was feeling this way. He wrote and I quote "I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO BE WITH YOU." As long as I live I will never forget this sentence. It made me feel so confused. But it also gave me hope that whatever he was going through would just blow over. I did have a feeling that he was leaving me for Kristy. No I take that back it wasn't just a feeling it was a certainty. I wrote him back telling him to take some time to think then call me so we could talk. I waited two weeks and he never called. So I called him no answer. I waited another week. Then I made my final call. Of course this was left on his voice mail becasue he stoped answering my calls.  I told him I didn't appreciate the myspace message that really didn't end things at all...it just left me hanging. I told him if he didn't want to be with me he could have just said it. That way it would be easier for me to move on.

He brought me to heaven, and left me there. And without him it didn't feel like heaven anymore.

I was a total mess. I cried so much over it. For months too. I could not get over that someone I thought cared about me so much would end it that way. It was a horrible way to end things. I got no closure. I was mourning him, because I never got to say goodbye or talk to him again it felt like he died. It was really hard for me to deal with. And on top of that knowing he didn't want me anymore hurt too. As much as I would never want to admit it. I loved him. He was my first, and I was a girl who didn't know what it felt like to feel beautiful and special until him. I always had horrible self-esteem. I was always the invisible girl. All my friends where prettier than me so I would just sit on the sidelines when it came to guys. Collin made me feel like I was front and center. I have come a long way confidence wise since him. This is also why being rejected by him was so painful.

I tried to hate him, I thought it would make it easier to get over him. I kept thinking about how much of a coward I thought he was. I thought gosh when I broke up with him I was brave enough to do it face to face. I think that is the only way it should be done. But no matter how much I tried I knew I cared about him too much to be able to hate him.

Myspace was my best detective tool. I had to dig around and figure out why he ended it with me. I needed the truth. If he couldn’t give it to me I would get it myself. I went to Kristy's myspace page and found that it said in a relationship...my heart sank, I went to Collin's page. He had his relationship status hidden...surprise surprise. He was still his sneaky little self, but he forgot that it shows up in blogs. Sure enough it said in a relationship too. I broke down yet again.

Game over I thought. I looked at Kristy's myspace again to see a comment from Collin that said I love you. Another stab in the heart.

While me and Collin where dating his sister was pregnant and Collin was so excited to be an uncle. He talked about the cool stroller he was going to buy his nephew, and alll sorts of things. His entire face would light up when he would talk about it. He was so beautiful when he was filled with joy. When I found out his sister had her baby I wanted so badly to congradulate him becasue I knew how excited he was. That is what I missed most was not being able to share happy moments with him anymore. Well I said f*** it and sent him an email anyway. I kept it short and just congradulated him and told him I just wanted to pause the drama and share one last happy moment with him. I told him I didn't exspect a response I just wanted to congradulate him nothing more nothing less. That email told me that I may be able to get over him one day, but no matter how many horrible things he does to me I will never be able to hate him.

I can't stay angry with people. And I don't care becasue anger gets you nowhere. Life is too short to carry all that with you. It doesn't do anything but bring you down. Yes sometimes I let people walk all over me for it, but sooner or later I get fed up and cut them lose from my life...then it is their loss. I walk with no anger in my heart and you can’t be free until you do.

So do you think I heard back from him???