The beginning...The reason.

I'm not 100% sure why I feel the need to write about all the things that have changes my life in the past 3 years, maybe it's the artist in me. I have feelings in me too strong not to let out; just speaking is not enough they must be written as well.

Let's go to the beginning.

My first year of college. It was amazing, living in the student housing meeting tons of new people. It's where I met my first 2 loves all in one...a boy and a guitar. His name was Aaron. When we met I was trying to learn how to play guitar on my computer. Trying to play the song broken...he asks me what I was trying to play then asks if he can see the guitar and starts playing broken...amazing. My first thought...nothing I just melted. Aaron was great offered to teach me how to play guitar. We spent more time together. He was the first guy I felt comfortable around; I'm not a 5'9'' model with blonde hair so this was big for me.

Sometimes when we would hang out he would sit and play guitar and I would sit across from him in a chair while he was on the couch and we would just stair into each others eyes...I know that sounds totally weird but at the time is just was natural. We didn't have to say a word but I felt like we where saying everything. I could only look at him for so long until I would have to look away. The feelings that bound me in that moment where stronger than anything I ever felt before and I could only handle it for so long.

I took him out for a milkshake one day when he was feeling down, milkshakes always cheered him up. We talked for two hours their non-stop. He asked me if I thought if a guy and a girl that where best friends could have a relationship...one that could succeed. And no he was not talking about us, we really had only known each other a month or so by this point. I knew who he meant he had told me about her. So I said yes, I think a relationship with your best friend could work. It broke my heart saying it, but I do believe best friends can have a relationship. I didn't want to lie to him.

So yes him and the best friend started a relationship...thank god she lived a ways a way and visited rarely. But as time went on he went to visit her more and more on the weekends.

As a thank you Aaron decided to cook me dinner. Chicken, which I cooked because he admitted he didn't know how. While I cooked he set the table. He commented that regular glasses would not be romantic enough we needed wine glasses. So he went to a friend’s apartment down the hall to get some. What am I thinking right now? Utter confusion... when he returns he has candles as well he places them at the table then grabs a umbrella from the closet hangs it from the ceiling upside down to make this really romantic light effect me...still confused. A song comes on the radio...he bursts out "oh I love this song dance with me!" we slow danced in his kitchen underneath an umbrella. I am speechless and very happy.

Fastforward: New Years Eve

I am in my hometown with friends when I get a call from Aaron. I answer and he says she proposed and I said yes! I'm getting married. I sunk to the floor. Game over. You lose. Aaron said I had to call and tell you first! He must have no idea how I feel about him. Cause I don't think he would hurt me like this on purpose...my thought after we get off the phone...wtf she proposed to you? Stupid girl.

Time goes on, then the next bomb. Aaron tells me he is moving out of the dorms and moving in with his fiancé. LAME. I really thought I would cry the day he moved out but I didn't. Before Aaron left he gave me his rollerblades and tried to give me a build a bear from an ex. I declined that gift. He hugged me goodbye, he didn't say a word but I heard "I love you" Call me crazy I don't care but I heard it!

I still saw him at school sometimes. We didn't see each other even a quarter of the time we used to. My bliss had ended. A month into him moving out, he tells me I am dropping out of school and moving back home. This was lame. More than ever. His passion was what he was doing. Now he is leaving it all behind for some piece of white trash!

A couple days later I was having talking to him on IM. He asked me if I had feeling for him. I freaked out! I said no of course. He replied, "good because I love Kristy and we are getting married and going to have a family!" I freaked...broke down.. feel apart. I was balling. I have not spoken to him since. That was about gosh more than two years ago.

I would never want to change anything about this experience. Even though it ended badly their where moments that where so amazing I wouldn't give those memories up for anything.